Monday, July 6, 2009

I wish every holiday involved beer and explosives.

The fourth of July is a great time of the year. Not only is it right in the best part of the summer but it also a nationwide celebration that involves excessive drinking and explosives. Despite the numerous laws passed each year by different states, fireworks continue to go off all over the place every July. I can't think of a better way to celebrate your freedom than with a beer in one hand and an explosive in the other.

"America... Fuck Yea!"

Getting drunk is an American tradition. You could say the values we cherish most include Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happy Hour. These days, the culture of inebriation is usually experienced first in high school. For me, that meant waiting until my mom went on vacation and then throwing an enourmous party in my backyard. Then trying to explain why there were tire tracks leading into the pool. From that point on drinking has become a reoccuring event that I gladly partake in every chance I get. I believe, through my own personal observation, that the majority of twenty-somethings all could be considered alcoholics by medical standards (which are rediculous by the way) and influences our social decissions, the people we hang out with and the hobbies we participate in. Thus throughout our lives, it is our choices... of beer, vodka, or whiskey that define us. I drink, therefore I am.

Alchohol can lead to some pretty stupid things as well. Thats why when I get to a drinking location I like to think that as long as I stay at that particular bar/party, there is only a limited amount of trouble I can get myself into. Because when you go places, bad things happen, Example: I was kicked out of a Walmart once because a friend and I were racing those motorized scooters around the store. When they stopped us I apologized and got off mine, but my friend just gunned his and shouted, "You'll never take me alive!" while speeding off at a half mile an hour. They did take him alive, and we are never allowed back.

But drinking isn’t always about excess and irresponsibility. Countless relationships have been forged over cocktails on a first date. Groundbreaking ideas have been spawned after a few beers. In truth, alcohol isn’t just a social lubricant imbibed by libidinous teens on Spring Break, it’s part of the very fabric of our society. And I’m not just saying that because I’m wasted.

As always, some random thoughts from this weekend...

I hate bars that have a selection of like 500 different beers. If I wanted to feel like an idiot ordering from an overly-extensive and confusing menu, I’d drink wine. I’m a man who likes his beer in a red, plastic cup and served with a hint of ping-pong ball residue.

I’m always the guy who gets a stray ice chip in his shot. It’s horrible because, for a millisecond, I think I’m gonna choke to death. Then I finally swallow, remember how much I abhor cheap tequila shots, and wish the ice chip had just finished me off.

I often find that the bar next door to the more exclusive bar that I really wanted to get into but couldn’t is more fun anyway. And that’s not because I’m bitter or anything.

How is it still legal to manufacture telephone books? They’ve got to be the most wasteful and useless products ever. Sure you can use it to hit your friends in the face, but besides that the things are glorified tree coffins. Al Gore could do a sequel just on the Yellow Pages.

This past weekend I celebrated the 4th in Los Angeles for the first time, and once again was reminded that Los Angeles can take something as amazing as The 4th of July and completely ruin it.

Quote of the weekend:
"Mom, let me call you back later, someone is holding the phone for me." "Why is someone holding the phone for you?" "I have beer taped to my hands. Love you, bye."

I fucking love summer...

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